can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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