his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Im part way to drunk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
