The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
