What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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