My hand turned me down
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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