Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dignity is for republicans.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
