Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
