I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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