Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
