I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
