worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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