More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
