I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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