I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
