M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I want to fling myself into the sun
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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