Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
