I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
