Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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