Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize