my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
