I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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