I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
