Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
