i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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