hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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