you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
