Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize