Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize