The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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