my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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