can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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