i think i have herpe
just one?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
