I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
