just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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