Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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