woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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