Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
no, he came in my armpit
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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