after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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