It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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