Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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