Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize