Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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