I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
