I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
