All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
