These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
