mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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