I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
