Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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