Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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