I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
