I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
