Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
