youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
