I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
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