Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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