Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize