I hate your face
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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