Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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